


Ask Shepard: An Advice Column

by ShootingStar7123



Series: Tempest Shepard Collection [3]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Bad Advice, F/M, Humor, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-09 03:57:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16442537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShootingStar7123/pseuds/ShootingStar7123
Summary: A Galactic Enquirer online exclusive-Commander Shepard answers YOUR fanmail and questions in her very own advice column!





	1. On the SR2

_What you’ve all been waiting for—Commander Shepard responds to fanmail, answers questions, and gives advice, right here on Galactic Enquirer Online! Exclusive: the hero of the Citadel uncensored!_

_…_

 

Dear Shepard,

 

I’m in love with the most beautiful asari, and I want her to love me back. I tried writing her a poem, but she didn’t seem too impressed. I was thinking I might get her a present, but flowers and candy seem too boring. What do women like?

 

Prince Charr-ming

 

.

 

_Dear Prince,_

_Tanks. Chicks like tanks._

_-Shepard_

 

…

 

Dear Commander,

 

Everyone always seems to do whatever you say. But the men under my command won’t listen to me! What am I doing wrong??

 

LT Vic

 

.

 

_Dear LT,_

_Being in command means taking on serious responsibility. Your crew has to believe you are confident, and they have to believe in the importance of what they are doing._

_Barring that, have you tried yelling? Yelling usually works for me, though sometimes you need to punch someone to keep them in line. One time I held a gun to a guy’s head, and we were cool after that._

_But now that I think about it, usually people listen to me without much questioning._

_Maybe I’m just impossibly charming?_

_CS_

 

…

 

Hey! Hey, Shepard, remember me? It’s Conrad Verner! Your biggest fan!

 

It’s so so cool that you’re writing an extranet column now!! Maybe I should start one, too! I’ve been around, seen some things. I could give really good advice! Please write back, Shepard!

 

Your #1 Fan,

 

Conrad

 

.

 

_Conrad,_

_Didn’t I tell you to go home???_

_-S_

_…_

 

Shepard-Commander,

 

Do you like us:

 

 yes     no

 

Geth

 

.

 

_Legion,_

_Seriously, stop. I know you have a crush on me. That whole “no data available” thing with my armor is bullshit and we both know it._

_As you don’t possess the proper parts, I refuse to enter into a relationship with you._

__

__ _yes    x   no_

_Shepard-Commander_

_…_

 

Dear Commander Shepard,

 

Do you know what it is like to be in love? To have your beloved be unaware of your affection? Oh, the woes of unrequited love! Please, dear Shepard, have mercy on a fellow soul! How can I show the man of my dreams that I love him?

 

Doc Chloe

 

.

 

_Doc,_

_When I’m interested in a guy, I go up and tell him I want him. That nearly always works. Then again, I’m Commander-motherfuckin-Shepard. No one turns me down._

_I also hear chocolate is a good way to go._

_CMF_

_…_

 

My darling Tempest,

 

Her hair shines like fire, set off by ocean eyes

Though I rarely see her face while the Normandy flies

Far away her voice, so sweet in it’s tones

When or how can I call her back home?

 

For my beautiful warrior, I must find a way

She will be brought back to me, out of the fray

Though danger’s siren call draws us apart

With attrition I’ll enter that armored heart.

 

With sincerest affection,

 

Admirer

 

.

 

_Dear Admirer,_

_Are you stalking me?? I don’t even like poetry._

_….and who the hell told you my first name?_

_COMMANDER Shepard_

_…_

 

Dear Commander,

 

What suggestions do you have for dealing with a difficult superior officer? I find myself clashing with my CO quite often and could use some of your ever-brilliant advice.

 

M

 

.

 

_Dear “M”,_

_I have one word for you: drink._

_Have a nice day!_

_Commander Shepard_

_…_

 

Dear Commander Shepard,

 

I was in Zakera Ward the other day and noticed you advertising for rival stores. How can I get you to tell the world that _my_ store is your favorite on the Citadel?

 

Your friend, Morlan

 

.

 

_Morlan,_

_I don’t know, can we work out a discount?_

_Also, if you could stop sending me those emails, I’d appreciate it. You know the ones I mean._

_-Shep_

_…_

 

Hey Shepard!!!

 

It’s Conrad again! You remember me? Conrad Verner!

 

So I was reading about you on the extranet the other day, and an article said that you’ve killed thirteen thresher maws!!! Is that true? Please write back!!!

 

Your #1 Fan Conrad

 

.

 

_Conrad,_

_You can’t believe everything you read on the extranet, Conrad. My kill count has to be at least over twenty._

_Commander Shepard, master maw murderer_

_…_

 

Tempest my Darling!

 

I know that beneath that harsh, scarred soldier exterior is a gentle, loving heart, just as it is with me. Do not hide it any longer; I know your feelings for me are as strong as mine for you! I can hear the emotion within your voice, the emotion you try so hard to disguise. It need not be that way, dearest!

 

A poem for my deadly goddess:

 

I’ll always be there to watch your six,

I’m amazed at your charming end to conflicts,

If I have no recourse I’ll issue a command,

And we can save the galaxy, hand in hand.

 

With greatest affection,

 

Admirer

 

.

 

_Dear Admirer…_

_Who ARE you????_

_Shepard_

_…_

 

Battlemaster Shepard,

 

Perhaps you do not understand the ways of Tuchanka, but to ignore a breeding request is an insult to all of clan Urdnot. Report to the female camp as soon as you are able.

 

Urdnot Bakara

 

P.S. Make sure you are well rested before you come over.

 

.

 

_Urdnot chicks,_

_You do realize that I am both human and female and incapable of breeding with you??? If you just wanted to have sex, you should have asked. I’m up for a little something if you are._

_Unless krogan sex is fatal to humans or something. I better check that out first._

_BATTLEMASTER Shepard (I like that)_

_…_

 

Dear Shepard,

 

There’s a human who I think is into me, but I’m worried that I can’t keep her interested. We’re supposed to meet up soon. What should I do?

 

Bad Turian

 

.

 

_BT (hot name, btw),_

_One word: Alcohol. Always smoothes things over with the ladies. And sexy music, especially after you give her the alcohol._

_In the meantime, you can keep her excited by doing really badass stuff. You know, like taking perfect headshots from around corners, saving her from certain death, going on suicide missions, that sort of thing. Chicks love that. But you have to survive the suicide mission. Can’t get laid if you’re dead._

_Good luck BT!!  -Shep_

_…_

 

Dear Shepard,

 

I thought this was supposed to be an advice column? All you do is respond to letters from Conrad Verner!

 

-reader who shall remain nameless

 

.

 

_Dear RWSRN:_

_More than half my letters come from Conrad. You’re lucky that I only post a few of them. Perhaps you should get your friends to write in for advice if you want some variety??_

_The Shep-lady_

_…_

 

Commander,

 

I have this girl I’m into, but she seems to have no idea. I think she only sees me as a friend. How do I show her that I’m interested without being obvious and embarrassing myself?

 

Friend-zoned

 

.

 

_Dear FZ,_

_You could always be her hero and save her from some mercs or something. Or if you’re a wuss and can’t do that, there’s always presents. One time this guy gave me a really nice sniper rifle, and it was definitely a worthy investment, if you know what I mean. ;)_

_Sniper Shepard_

_…_

 

Commander Shepard,

 

My dad just contacted me for the first time in years and suddenly wants to be my friend. He totally abandoned me for most of my life! Should I tell him to fuck off or try to talk to him?

 

Drellie Downer

 

.

 

_Drellie Downer,_

_Did you ever stop to do your research and find out that I DON’T HAVE PARENTS??? Because they were MURDERED by SLAVERS?_

_Why would you make me relive that?????_

_Jerk._

_-S_

_…_

 

Commander (ah, how sweet the title!)

 

Do not pretend you are unaware of my identity, heart of my heart!

 

You know me, and yet you do not know me at all. So close and yet so far (mostly far). I shall carry you in my heart, dearest one, no matter what comes! No reaper shall tear me from thee!

 

Admirer

 

.

 

_Admirer,_

_Seriously, stop writing me. This is creepy._

_-Shepard_

_…_

 

Commander,

 

How do you deal with knowing about the reapers and no one listening to you??

 

From: I hate my job

 

.

 

_Dear IHMJ,_

_Drink. Seriously._

_Just don’t do it on Omega. That shit will kill ya._

_Sympathetic Shepard_

_…_

 

Dear Shepard,

 

I’ve heard through the grapevine that you have a formidable model ship collection. I have quite a collection myself! I would love to hear more about your model ships.

 

Fedorian (call me Dory, everyone does)

 

  1. Do you ever get them out to play? (I do.)



 

.

 

_Dear Dory,_

_My model ships are my pride and joy!!! I have a large collection of ships from all different places. I have turian ships, quarian ships, geth ships, even Sovereign!_

_My favorite game is Normandy versus Sovereign._

_Shepard <3 Ships_

_…_

 

Hey Commander, it’s me, Conrad!

 

When are you coming back to the Citadel?? We should hang out and kill bad guys together. Maybe I can join you on the Normandy?

 

Conrad (#1 fan) Verner

 

.

 

_Conrad,_

_I am never going back to the Citadel. Ever. I’m… too busy._

_And the Normandy is full. No room. Totally full. Sorry._

_-S_

_…_

 

Shepard,

 

Out of just simple harmless organic curiosity, what is your one weakness?

 

H

 

.

 

_Harbinger, is that you?_

_GTFO MY GALAXY, ASSHOLE!_

_-Shepard_

  1. _I do have a weakness for chocolate._



_…_

 

Shepard,

 

I heard you had fish on your ship. How do you keep your fish alive long enough to eat them?

 

Kargesh

 

.

 

_Dear Kargesh,_

_No idea how to take care of fish! I got my assistant to do it. And why would I eat my pets??_

_-Shepard_

_…_

 

Commander Shepard,

 

Since you go on a lot of adventures I thought you might be able to help me. I found this prothean artifact. It doesn’t seem to do much aside from making whispery sounds on occasion. Should I send it away to be studied? I’m not sure. I really want to keep it. I like it.

 

Adventurer

 

.

 

_Adventurer,_

_I have a mysterious prothean artifact too! I keep mine on my coffee table. But mine doesn’t whisper or anything, it just gets larger when you touch it. (That’s what she said!)_

_Shepard_

_…_

 

Dear Shepard,

 

What is your favorite weapon? Just wonderin’, eh.

 

C-Sexy

 

.

 

_Dear C-Sexy,_

_This is a very difficult question. One of my favorites is the Tempest SMG. Why? Because I can have a gun with the same name as me!!!!!_

_Another favorite is the Kassa Locust. Yep, that Kassa Locust. Go on and be jealous, bitches!_

_And then there’s the Widow sniper rifle. I’ve never seen a sexier weapon. It’s got such a long, smooth barrel, and the power, well, you can just FEEL it rip through you. Literally rip through you, if you aren’t a cyborg like me._

_But the best weapon in the whole galaxy is CAIN. I can walk around with a nuke on my back. And no one can stop me because I’m a Spectre! How fucking awesome is that? My own nuke!!!_

_Thanks for writing in, C-Sexy! Off to play with my guns now._

_Spectring is so awesome._

_-S_

_…_

 

 Dear Shepard,

 

My friend and I are trying to settle something. Do you prefer the M-35 Mako or the M-44 Hammerhead?

 

Esteban

 

.

 

_Dear Esteban,_

_I’m ALL ABOUT the mako! SO MUCH FUN to drive! And I know my crew liked it too because they were always trying to convince me to let them drive. I never did, though. MY mako._

_-Shep_

_…_

 

Commander,

 

How do you keep morale up on your crew, especially during really dangerous missions?

 

Your crew always seems to be pissing rainbows even as they’re walking into hell.

 

\- Septimus

 

.

 

_Septimus,_

_First of all, having a bar on board does wonders. But my favorite thing to do to keep up morale is to plan random acts of fun! Once I bought a bunch of silly-string and we had a silly-string war in the mess hall. Another time I invited the dancing girls from Afterlife onto the ship for a party, but my XO overrode me and canceled. Bitch._

_-Shepard_

_…_

 

Friendly: Dear Shepard,

 

Shocked and awed: Extranet sources say that you had a conversation with a reaper. Curious: What did it say? What did you say?

 

Xeltan

 

.

 

_Dear X,_

_Actually I’ve had several convos with reapers. Most of them went something like this:_

_Reaper: Hey bro, we’re going to destroy you!_

_Me: No way, bro!_

_Reaper: Yes way! And you can’t stop us!_

_Me: Watch me!_

_Yeah, I’m pretty awesome, huh?_

_-Commander-motherfuckin-Shepard_

_…_

 

My darling!

 

How much longer shall we be parted? So briefly have I seen your face! I have called for you, but you have not come! Why do you toy with my heart so?

 

Admirer

 

.

 

_Admirer,_

_Who the fuck are you???_

_How am I supposed to answer to your call if I don’t even know who the hell you are?? Also, please tell me who you are so I can get a restraining order._

_Commander Shepard_

_…_

 

Shepard.

 

Please enlighten us all as to how you run such successful operations. Your success rate is highly unusual. My operations rarely run so smoothly. They usually end with more zombies than they started with.

 

TIM

 

.

 

_Dear Tim,_

_I dunno, Tim, I just do my thang and stuff seems to work out. People sometimes volunteer to help because they think it’s a good cause. Or maybe because I’m impossibly charming. Hard to tell._

_Shep_

_…_

 

Dear Shepard,

 

I hear you own a Kuwashii visor with the built-in audio player! What are your favorite songs to listen to while fighting?

 

Not A Merc

 

.

 

_Dear definitely a merc,_

_Having a battle soundtrack is awesome. Everyone should have one! My favorites are:_

_-the Blasto soundtrack (perfect because I’m a spectre too!)_

_-Ride of the Valkyries (old but EPIC!)_

_-the Flux Club music (once I get a good rhythm going)_

_-I’m Sexy and I Know It (do I really need to explain this one?)_

_Hope this helps,_

_Shepard_

_…_

 

Heeey Shepard,

 

Since you’re an Alliance chick, maybe you can help me here. I’ve got a thing for girls in uniform, but none of the ladies I hit on seem interested. How can I score with a soldier babe like you?

 

Fade

 

.

 

_Harkin,_

_You are the most disgusting person I’ve ever met. Should have let Garrus shoot you when he had the chance._

_You’ll never “score” with a “soldier babe”. Sorry, we don’t like douchebags._

_Commander-motherfuckin-Shepard_

  1. _I’ve never forgiven you for calling me “princess”._



_…_

 

Shepard-Commander,

 

We can procure attachments that have been proven to be superior to the organic equivalent. These attachments have been demonstrated to provide a more pleasurable experience 87% of the time.

 

Legion

 

.

 

_Legion,_

_NOW we’re talking. Report to Normandy Deck 1 to demonstrate these “attachments” for me, ASAP! ;)_

_Also, buying me a tank couldn’t hurt your chances. Just saying._

_Shepard-Commander_

_…_


	2. House Arrest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What you’ve all been waiting for—Commander Shepard responds to fanmail, answers questions, and gives advice, right here on Galactic Enquirer Online! Exclusive: the hero of the Citadel uncensored!

My Dearest Shepardess,

 

I apologize with sincerity for my unforeseen absence—you finally heeded my call and, alas! Cruel irony tears us apart. One day, dearest, you and I shall find each other.

 

Many years have passed since first contact was made

But immediate was my desire to shade

Your beautiful innocence, soon destroyed

By the horrors seen by a marine deployed

 

I watched your career with a hopeful heart

Though circumstances kept us apart

From afar I loved, waiting for the day

That I could retire and have my own way

 

That day is coming soon, dearest, I can feel it!

 

As soon as we rid the universe of those pesky reapers.

 

With love,

 

Admirer

 

.

 

_Okay, “Admirer”, you are beginning to reach thorian levels of creeper here._

_I’m not playing coy, damn it! TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!!!_

_Shepard_

 

…

 

Dear Shepard,

 

I’ve got an older sister, but she gives crappy advice. So I’m writing to you!

 

How do you get a boy to like you? There’s a guy in my class that I’m into, but I’m not sure if he is into me.

 

Little Sister

 

.

 

_LS,_

_I suck at advice too, just so you know. (Dunno why they gave me an advice column. Must be ‘cause I’m charming.)_

_Not so sure about getting a boyfriend, but I’ve had success getting laid on many an occasion. (Eat your heart out, Kaidan.)_

_While I am generally opposed to dresses… violently opposed to dresses, in fact, I’ve gotten laid on nearly every occasion I’ve worn one._

_So… yeah. Wear a dress, tell him you want him, watch the sparks fly._

_Shep_

_P.S. And if he doesn’t go for it? Fuck him. Figuratively, I mean. You should only fuck him literally if he agrees to it._

 

…

 

Commander,

 

So I’ve got a really hot bod, and I want to show it off. But whenever a chick catches me working out without a shirt, she runs away. What the hell?

 

J-T

 

.

 

_Dear J-T…_

_This must come as a shock to you, but “chicks” don’t always like guys trying to show off their ginormous abs and creepily tiny waists when they just want to come and talk._

_And, no, I don’t mean “come” and talk, you pervert._

_I’m onto you._

_Suspicious Shepard_

 

…

 

Dear Shepard,

 

I have a younger sister that I care deeply about, but she won’t accept any help or advice I have to offer. My greater life experience should be reason enough for her to listen to me, yet she does not. How can I make her see reason? She could ruin her life!

 

Concerned Older Sister

 

.

 

_COS,_

_No offense, but you sound like a stuck up bitch._

_…okay so I totally did mean offense. What can I say? I’m mean like that._

_Anyways, are you sure your advice is good? If it’s not, maybe that’s why she doesn’t listen to you. Or maybe you don’t say it loud enough._

_When people don’t listen to me, I just yell louder. I can yell very, very loud._

_Commander S_

 

…

 

Commander Shepard,

 

Why are you so insistent that there are all-powerful sentient machines, “reapers”, coming to destroy us? What evidence do you have for these insane assertions?

 

The people want to know, Shepard!

 

Khalisah Bin-Sinan Al’Jilani

 

.

 

_KBSAJ_

_Um, because I TALKED to them, bitch._

_TWO reapers have said to my face that they plan to kill us all._

_Not to mention the prothean beacon, the fact that the collectors were BUILDING their own damn reaper, other various prothean artifacts, the attack on the Citadel, fucking indoctrination, and the other stuff found by archeologists. (Ask for Dr. T’Soni, I’m no scientist!)_

_Also, would they really be so intent on killing me if I was wrong? Just sayin._

_-someone so badass that an all-powerful machine race is scared of me_

 

…

 

Hey Shepard!!!!

 

It’s me again, Conrad Verner!!

 

I had this great idea: What if I join the Alliance?? Then I could be on your crew and help you on the Normandy!

 

If I become a soldier, will you take me on the Normandy with you??

 

Conrad Verner, fan club president

 

.

 

Dear Conrad,

 

Yes.

 

If you complete basic training, school of infantry, advanced infantry training, and at least one N-course, I will let you join me on the Normandy.

 

Seriously.

 

Commander Shepard

 

…

 

Commander Shepard,

 

I’m just a low-ranking Alliance officer, but I like to fantasize about having my own ship someday. What’s your favorite thing about having your own private quarters? I hear a lot of people are fans of the separate shower. Is the bed comfortable? I heard your room even has a skylight!

 

Please tell me all about it!

 

Chief

 

.

 

_Chief,_

_None of those are my favorite things._

_I like the fish tank._

_-Commander_

 

…

 

Battlemaster Shepard,

 

I know that you are very good at killing. Have you heard of something called fratricide? (only took me nine tries to spell that, hah!)

 

Anyways, yeah. I need advice on how to do that f thing.

 

Wreav

 

.

 

_Oh Wreav._

_Only you would be so stupid as to use your real name when writing to your brother’s friend to ask advice in plotting his downfall._

_Battlemaster Shepard_

 

…

 

Dear Shepard,

 

Little Sister here again! Turns out that boy wasn’t really interested, so I’m looking for a new one. Do you have any advice on how to choose a good boyfriend? All my sister ever does is look up their medical records and lecture me about their family connections. What should I really look for in a guy? How do I choose?

 

Little Sis

 

.

 

_Little Sis,_

_I think I’m going to need a bit more info here._

_What do they look like? Do any of them have blue eyes? What about disfiguring scars?_

_You can weed out some of the less badass ones by asking them how they are with a sniper rifle. Have any of them gone on any suicide missions? If so, I’d totally pick that one._

_Now I’m getting all excited. Damn._

_-S_

 

…

 

Commander Shepard.

 

So I’ve been trying to figure you out.

 

You let hundreds of humans die to save the Citadel Council a few years ago. Then you joined up with a pro-human, anti-alien organization for a while and blew up a bunch of batarians.

 

But I also heard that you invited aliens to work on your ship with you. I even heard a rumor that you were sleeping with one of those aliens!

 

Whose side are you on, Commander??

 

Terra Firma Fan

 

.

 

_Well, Terra Firma fan, you’ve made your own side abundantly clear._

_So let me make a few points._

  1. _There were more people aboard the Destiny Ascension than died to save it._
  2. _I worked with Cerberus only to take down the collectors._
  3. _I destroyed that batarian relay to prevent the reapers from using it._
  4. _Yes, I have been sleeping with an alien and it is awesome!_



_CS_

 

…

 

Dear Shepard,

 

I was raised by a single mother, and have recently found out who my father is. I was debating over whether to introduce myself, but then I found out that my father is spying on me for the government, of all things!

 

What do you think I should do?

 

Feelin’ Blue

 

.

 

_Blue,_

_Why does everyone come to me with their daddy issues??_

_Must I again remind everyone that I don’t have parents??? Because they DIED?_

_Anyways I think you should talk to your dad. Just… bring a gun in case it doesn’t go well._

_I’ve learned you have to plan for these things._

_-Shepard_

 

…

 

Dearest,

 

How can you say you know me not? I feel as if we have always known each other.

 

If you are truly confused, my darling, my nom-de-plume is a small clue.

 

Admirer

 

P.S. The new blue fatigues look stunning on you.

 

.

 

_Admirer,_

_You know, I thought that Conrad was my only stalker. Apparently I was very, very wrong._

_And what the hell is a nom-de-plume? I asked, but they wouldn’t give me a dictionary in here…_

_-CS_

 

…

 

Commander Shepard,

 

Where were you when President Huerta died? I don’t recall you making any statements about what they did with his body. Everyone else was chiming in! Where were you?

 

A Concerned Reader

 

.

 

_ACR,_

_I was DEAD._

_\- the Alliance’s resident zombie_

 

…

 

Shepard,

 

I’ve got this rival. We’ve come across each other several times over the last few centuries, but neither of us has succeeded in defeating the other.

 

But I’ve got a problem… I’m starting to have feelings for him! Shepard, do you ever find yourself attracted to your enemies?

 

-Aleena

 

.

 

_Aleena,_

_Well, my mortal enemy is Harbinger._

_So… no._

_-Shepard_

 

…

 

Hey Shepard!

 

It’s your buddy, Conrad!! Conrad Verner!

 

So I joined up with a group that said they could train me up to be a soldier way faster than the Alliance. I won’t say the name but I think you’ll be proud of me!

 

Your #1 fan and soon-to-be comrade-in-arms,

 

Conrad Verner

 

.

 

_Conrad,_

_Are you trying to tell me that you’ve joined up with Cerberus? Conrad… no. Just no._

_Does this mean I’m going to have to bail your ass out again??_

_Shepard_

 

…

 

My darling,

 

I regret that I haven’t the time for a longer note, but I wanted to drop a line to tell you—nom-de-plume means pen name.

 

I am certain that with your intelligence, you can figure it out, my dear.

 

Admirer

 

.

 

_Oh my God. OH MY GOD._

_Admirer = Admiral??_

_ANDERSON IF THAT IS YOU I SWEAR…_

_\- a very traumatized Shepard_

 

…

 

Commander,

 

Everyone at home wants to know the truth about your Cerberus ties. We all know you work for them. You must have cut some kind of deal with the devil. They gave you a ship and crew and everything!

 

And tell the truth—where were you really for those two years? What did they do to you?

 

With sincerity,

 

A Friend

 

.

 

_Kaidan, is that you???_

_God damn it, how many times do I have to tell you the truth before it gets through that thick skull of yours?_

_Let me lay it on the line here: I was dead. DEAD. Yes, Cerberus spent a fuckton of money to bring me back, for the sole purpose of saving the disappearing colonists. Even the assholes at Cerberus care about that—they were HUMAN colonies after all._

_So I used their ship, their money, and their people to destroy the collector base. And then I told Cerberus to fuck off. End of story._

_But if you’ve got it in your stubborn-ass head not to believe me, then nothing I say will convince you._

_Commander Shepard, savior of thousands of colonists_

 

…

 

Shepard,

 

If you’re going to proceed to give my sister advice, you should at least try to make it good advice. (Yes, I know it’s you, sis.)

 

Disfiguring scars? Suicide missions?? She’s a _kid_ , Shepard! I expect better than that from you.

 

Concerned Older Sister

 

.

 

_COS,_

_If you are who I think you are, you should know better than to expect good advice from an extranet column, especially one written by me._

_And hey, I told her I was bad at advice._

_Shepard_

 

…

 

Commander,

 

I think I’m in love with a computer.

 

Is this weird? Any advice?

 

\- Flyboy

 

.

 

_Flyboy,_

_Yeah it’s weird. Totally weird._

_Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go for it._

_\- Commander Shepard, love doctor_

 

…

 

Commander Shepard,

 

Just an old friend, wanted to check in with you. I didn’t know how else to contact you right now, so I’m using the column.

 

How are you doing? Still holding the line?

 

Kirrahe

 

.

 

_Kirrahe,_

_Hell yeah I’m still holding the line!_

_Shepard_

 

…

 

Commander,

 

I hear you’re very persuasive. Yeah, I need some advice on that. How do you convince people to do what you want without violence?

 

If I make a mess when I kick people out of the bar, cleanup comes out of my pay.

 

\- Honored Bar Advisor

 

.

 

_HBA,_

_I dunno, really._

_I mean, threats work really well. Logic does too, sometimes._

_I think I’m just incredibly charming._

_\- CS_

 

…

 

Shepard.

 

Where do you get off stealing ships?

 

I thought you claimed to have morals.

 

TIM

 

.

 

_Timmy,_

_The only ship I’ve stolen was from Cerberus, and they deserved it. So… I can’t really say I care!_

_Shepard_

 

…

 

Commander,

 

I’ve noticed that your crew is incredibly loyal. In fact, I’ve been talking to one of your former crew, and he won’t fucking shut up about how awesome you are.

 

How the hell do you inspire that kind of loyalty in your people? Even when you worked for Cerberus you had a wide variety races on your ship! On a goddamn suicide mission!

 

How the hell?

 

\- Adrien V.

 

.

 

_Adrien,_

_Has it ever crossed your mind that I’m really that awesome?_

_Shepard_

 

…

 

Dearest,

 

You wound me! You are so close and yet so terribly wrong, beloved.

 

We shall meet again soon, and you shall know and love me. I am certain of it.

 

Admirer

 

.

 

_Admirer,_

_I got nothin’._

_CS_

 

…


	3. Warm and Tropical

Dearest Commander,

 

After all we’ve been through, darling, I thought we had a connection; something special.

 

It grieves me to hear that you feel otherwise! Did I imagine the longing looks? Your desire to please? When we last met face-to-face, it was as if nothing had transpired between us!

 

This is the last communication you shall receive from me, dearest, though it breaks my heart.

 

Always yours,

 

Admirer

 

.

 

_Admiral H,_

_The only feelings I have for you are totally completely appropriate professional-type feelings. Promise!!_

_But… thanks for the attention, I guess?_

_Shepard_

_P.S. You really should look to getting a lady closer to your own age. I can hook you up with a doctor friend of mine if you’re interested._

 

…

 

Shepard,

 

I know not to believe everything I see on the extranet. Which is why I have got to ask… Are the pictures from the Council awards banquet ‘shopped?

 

I find it hard to believe that you actually wore a dress.

 

\- H. Blake

 

.

 

_HB,_

_The pics are not shopped._

_We will never, EVER speak of this again._

_CS_

 

…

 

Commander Shepard,

 

Is it true you’re retired?

 

Who is going to save the galaxy now???

 

-Talitha

 

.

_Talitha,_

_Hopefully the galaxy will manage to hold itself together without me for a while._

_…yeah, probably not._

_Can a person un-retire?_

_Shep_

 

…

 

Dear Commander,

 

I heard from some friends on the Citadel that you had a real live prothean on your ship! What was he like?

 

Rebecca P.

 

.

 

_Becca,_

_He was really intense and kinda scary. A total downer, really._

_And he was weirdly obsessed with my ship’s airlock._

_-Shepard_

 

…

 

Hey, Shepard, it’s me! Conrad Verner!

 

Guess what! Jenna and me are getting married!!!!!

 

Just wanted to say thanks for helping us get together! Saving your life was totally worth it! Of course it would always be worth it because I saved your life, but, well, you know what I mean, right? Right?

 

Your best buddy,

 

Conrad Verner

 

P.S. Will you be my best man??

 

.

 

_Conrad,_

_Congrats on the wedding. Hopefully Jenna will keep you busy enough that you won’t have time to write to me anymore._

_I have to pass on the offer, though, I’m really busy right now. You know, being retired._

_Best of luck,_

_Shepard, super busy retired person_

_P.S. You might want to get rid of those candles and poster you mentioned. I doubt your new wife will appreciate the shrine. Or at least I really, really hope she won’t._

 

…

 

Commander Shepard,

 

Are the rumors true?

 

Have you turned your back on humanity to marry a TURIAN??

 

Don’t you remember being at war with them? How could you think of marrying one of those dinosaurs?

 

Anonymous

 

.

 

_Anon,_

_I’m a little young to remember being at war with the turians._

_I figure I can probably marry whoever I want since I totally saved Earth a few months ago. I imagine that should win me a few extra points._

_Also, I’m promoting turian-human relations, duh. Like, an ambassador or something. You know._

_-Mrs. Vakarian_

_P.S. That’s not really my name. Don’t call me that unless you want to get punched. (No offense, G, you know I love you baby!)_

 

…

 

Commander,

 

What kind of armor were you wearing when you ended the war with the reapers? I’ve got to know!

 

Armor Merchant

 

.

 

_Armor dude,_

_I was wearing Rosenkov, but I am disappoint._

_Did you know that by the time I set of the Crucible that half my armor was burnt away? I need armor that can withstand reaper beams!_

_I demand more from my armor, damn it!_

_Got any recs?_

_\- Shepard, armor connoisseur_

 

…

 

Dear Shepard,

 

What are your retirement plans? Just wondering.

 

Nobody important

.

 

_Dear Nobody,_

_A house on the beach and lots of alien babies._

_\- Shepard, homeowner, housewife???_

 

…

 

Commander (it’s such an honor!)

 

Did you really summon a giant thresher maw on Tuchanka?

 

I saw it in the vids, but didn’t believe it!

 

Corporal

 

.

 

_Corporal,_

_Yes, but I’m trying to block it out. Thresher maws are scary._

_Commander Shepard, future therapy patient_

 

…

 

Commander,

 

How did you feel about the redesign of the Normandy? Did it serve you well during the war?

 

Retrofit Specialist

 

.

 

_Well, Specialist, I have to say I was a little disappointed._

_I really liked that trash compactor._

_On the bright side, you guys made more room for my model ships! And that was a pretty sweet poker table added to the lounge._

_But you totally lost my prothean artifact and space hamster! Poor Boo was traumatized and hiding in the engineering subdeck. He still hasn’t recovered. I can tell by his terrified squeaks._

_Also, Mordin’s lab was gone._

_\- Shepard_

 

…

 

Shepard,

 

I had a question.

 

Why do you sit on the roof instead of the balcony? You have a beautiful balcony with such good views! I can’t figure out why you don’t use it.

 

Anonymous

 

.

 

_Anon,_

_I totally know who you are. Are you seriously spying on me in my vacation house??_

_We need to have another talk about boundaries, Broker!_

_-Shep_

_P.S. I just like the roof, okay?_

 

…

 

Commander,

 

I need advice, and I believe you have personal experience.

 

Everyone I know thought I was dead, but I didn’t actually die. How do I tell my friends and family and people I care about that I’m alive? What do I say when I see them again?

 

I’m not sure how to handle this. I’m just a marine, ma’am.

 

Suited Up

 

.

 

_Suited Up,_

_I told most of my close friends that I was alive by waltzing in to save their asses when they needed it most. Then I asked for their help on a suicide mission. So I don’t think my experiences are going to be standard here._

_Of course, I do have an extranet advice column, so I suppose I should try to come up with some advice, huh?_

_Oh, hell, I don’t know. Just walk in and say hi. Then write me and tell me how it goes. For science!_

_Your friend,_

_Shep_

 

…

 

Oh Shepard!

 

You are probably the last person I should be writing to about this, but I don’t know who to go to!

 

The person I love has gone and gotten married! There’s no one like him in the galaxy, but I can’t have him now. He has been taken from me forever! Oh, my heart!

 

Please help me, Shepard!

 

Doc Chloe

 

.

 

_I remember you, Doc!_

_But I’m not sure why you’re writing to me now, seeing as my advice on how to woo him clearly didn’t work at all._

_I’m starting to think this whole advice column thing was a bad idea. Hmm._

_-A very sorry Shepard_

 

…

 

Hey, Shepard, it’s me, Conrad! How’s it going?

 

So I was thinking the other day, since you’re too busy to come to the wedding (bummer!), maybe I can send you pictures or a vid! Or we can vid-call during the ceremony! Wouldn’t that be great?

 

Please give me your contact info so we can do that!! It’s going to be awesome!!

 

Conrad Verner, your best friend

 

.

 

_Conrad…_

_I think I’ll be way, way too busy for a vid-call. Why don’t you just send the pictures to my column? That seems like a good idea to me._

_Commander Shepard_

 

…

 

Dearest,

 

I come to you brought quite low by your rejections.

 

I promised that I would not contact you again, and I intended to keep my word as a gentleman and a soldier.

 

However, I was taken by surprise at your last response to me. You suggest another woman to take my mind off of you, my hero? My darling?

 

You are the only person who I would trust to select a woman for me besides yourself. I submit to your judgment, my Tempest. You shall find me a woman to replace you. Perhaps then, I can find my peace.

 

Your unworthy Admirer

 

.

_Admirer,_

_I’m only going to do this once, okay?_

_I’ve got the contact info of a doctor friend of mine. She’s pretty awesome, so you better not break her heart! Or I’ll come for you, and not in the way you’ve always wanted me to._

_Anyways, I’m sending you her number. Have fun and don’t do anything stupid!_

_CS_

_P.S. Watch your brandy stash around her. She’s a bit of a lush._

 

…

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you didn't catch it, Admirer is Admiral Hackett! Thanks for reading, and let me know if you have any other questions or want to talk about the story. It was a blast writing it and reading your comments!
> 
> If you like this, please also take a look at The Secret Life of Commander Shepard: A Dossier. It has the same humorous tone of this story and more of the same Shepard!


End file.
